In love with a violent man – At first everybody was sympathetic. Even those who disapproved of my “lifestyle” felt that it was a bit much that I should be treated this way. Jamie is a rollercoaster of personalities. There are so many of them that I do not even know where to start when describing them. Perhaps, it is easier to say that he can be anybody and everybody at a drop of a hat. There have been moments when Jamie has changed moods twice within a single minute…I kid you not. I am never sure what is coming next. The thing is that he seems to understand that he has a problem but is just unwilling to resolve it.
The story of how I fell in love (I don’t want to say that Jamie is in love with me at this stage, because you do not treat the people you love the way in which he has treated me over the years). I was a shy 31-year-old; who had pretty much come out when it became clear that everyone apart from me had accepted that I was gay. Even after coming out, I never seemed to want to do something about it. The “scene” as they called it was a bit intimidating. There were people there were a bit too gay for me at that point. Then others just looked like dangerous people.
Romance came from a very unexpected source. One day I was passing the ice rink and thought I might watch some of the skaters there. I never liked the ice since I had sliced my ankles as I tried to pick up the skill, courtesy of my expert but impatient brother Pete. I bought an ice cream and was hovering at the edge when I noticed that there was a rather huge guy looking at me. He seemed kinda worried. I generally avoided people who stared…you never knew what they were up to. For all I know he could be some psychopath, waiting to devour me the moment that I left the building.
A Violent, Persistent and Insistent Lover
You can imagine my shock when I felt someone tapping me gently on the back. When I turned around, startled, a deep voice said in a matter of fact way that I have become so used to: “Hi. My name is Jamie. I saw you there”. I mumbled something in return. I could see that he was a bit of a hunk but way, way out of my league. Something was stirring inside me, despite my best efforts. Jamie commanded me to a drink with him. I obeyed, a pattern that has become so violent and destructive to our relationship. Later on he simply came out with it: “I want to fuck you”. It was such a shocking thing to say in a family restaurant, even when said in a tone that was just low enough to allow me to hear it.
When I said nothing, he repeated himself. I had never met someone like Jamie and don’t think I ever will. Once again I made some feeble protests but he did have me that night, like he had commanded. There are many things that are wrong with Jamie, but he sure does know his way around a male body. If I could give a score that is higher than 10 out of 10, I would gladly give it. He is a little bit of nasty sometimes, but when it comes to sex; he approaches it with the methods of a dedicated researcher.
Things Get of Hand
I am told that this is the pattern with most abusers. They come on very strong. After that first night Jamie told me a few things and has been true to his word. First he said that we were going to be moving in together and that he was not going to allow anyone else to “touch me” again because I was his. It was unnerving to become someone’s after a few drinks and one night of passionate sex. I knew it was too good to be true but could not help myself. I went along with it and let Jamie take charge of things. Very soon we were an item. I did not mind that he was always around me, it was sweet that he was so committed.
That was all nice until one day he gave me the mother of all smacks. My crime was being on the receiving end of a flirtatious conversation from another gay lad. I became angry and asked him never to do that again. Suddenly Jamie changed: he actually knelt down to ask for forgiveness. Apparently it was because he loved me so much that he did not want anyone else flirting with me. I told him that I was not his property and he must not do that again. Jamie promised it was a one-off and that he would never hit me again no matter what happened.
How stupid could I have been? Since then beating me has become something of a weekly occurrence. Most of his beef is with perceived interest in me. Other things; he does not seem to want to fight. Many, many times I have tried to escape but then he somehow gets me and ropes me in with yet another night of passion. I have come to think that Jamie seems to improve his sexual performance the moment that he beats me because it just seems that way. There is a direct correlation between our fights (not really a fair fight since he is evidently bigger and stronger than me) and the quality of the sex afterwards.
Counsellor Tells me to Run a Mile
I actually love Jamie and that is why it is so sad. He is making my life miserable but we are stuck together. In an effort to get things back on track, I sought counselling for us as a couple. Jamie was as good as gold and said that we needed it. The thing that was frustrating is that when we got to the counselling, he was all contrite and took the blame for everything. He told the counsellor that he had an anger management problem and some control issues. All that ended with desperate promises to change.
The counsellor asked for a private session with each one of us. She later told me that she felt that this was a co-dependent relationship and that the only way that I would truly be safe was to break up with Jamie. I told Jamie and he broke down in tears. He told me that if I left him, he did not think he could live any longer. I know that I was being manipulated but I could also see that he had every intention to go through with the deed if I insisted on leaving. I felt that I had no choice but to play ball.
The beating lulled a bit after the therapy session but it has picked up again. I now even have bruises which I have to hide from my parents. They know that something is not right but when they ask me, I say nothing. I know that I may be protecting Jamie and not allowing him to get the help he needs. Over time I got used to the idea that he would hit me at least once a week. The problem is always jealousy, nothing else. Otherwise he is a very good and considerate boyfriend. His dark side only comes out when someone else shows interest in me, no matter how innocently.
Is it Worth It Any More?
I am reaching a point even where the great sex is poor compensation for losing my life effectively to this destructive and violent relationship. What happens if he decides to escalate? Jamie could very easily do serious damage to me if he was that way inclined. Besides, someone that is so volatile in his moods could quite easily have ideas of taking it up a notch by beating me even more. I am no slut and I have never ever cheated on Jamie. What he does not actually know up to now is that I was actually a virgin when he first met me, so Jamie is the only boyfriend I have ever been with.
Perhaps I should tell him to quieten down his fears. Even then, I am not too sure that this is about fearing infidelity. Jamie just wants to control me and be in charge. Someone suggested that it could be internalized homophobia where he feels that I remind him of his own aggressive sexuality which he would like to hide. I am not entirely convinced by this theory. Jamie has always been the aggressor in our violent relationship and he is not afraid to say what he wants even when we are in public.
Jamie is the only person I know who does not mind telling people that he is gay. I put it down to his confidence in his own physical abilities that effectively protect him from all but the most determined bullies. I think there are much deeper issues that are poisoning our “relationship”. I know I should probably get out, but I don’t know how.