I can hear the tut-tuts of condemnation even as I write but don’t worry…nobody is more revolted by my actions than me. I have been living with this guilt for the last twenty-eight months and I think it is time I told my sister what is going on. My friends tell me that I should not tell her because it will ruin her marriage. Mark says that we should tell her together about our secret affair because he wants a divorce. How is my sister going to react to this betrayal? I have done many bad things in my life but I don’t think anything comes close to this.
The thing is that I never really wanted to end up this way. Mark was just off my radar even as my sister constantly talked about him. Jean had met this guy at her office and was crazy about him. He did not seem to respond to her hints and she was getting bolder and bolder by the minute. I used to advise her on which outfits to go for without looking like a desperate tart. I had never met Mark but I was happy that my sister was into someone that seemed to be at the center of her world. To be honest, at the time I thought it was a bit of a crush which would fade away. Jean and I shared this rather bad habit of falling in love too easily. Our dad had been the same, having four weddings in 15 years.
I Get to See Him
The big day arrived and Janet said she was bringing Mark home for dinner. Our latest step mum Tracie wanted us to be there. I have a lot of time for Tracie. She does not attempt to replace our mum but is ever so nice. So I agreed to come even if I was not feeling particularly good after a long night at the festival. It was Sunday and I wanted to have a good sleep in preparation for the dreaded Mondays. Tracie said it would be nice if all of us were there when Mark came since it seemed that Mark was the one.
I cannot quite explain it, but for some reason I knew that Mark was not right for Jean the moment that I laid eyes on him. He seemed too “beautiful”. It is strange to describe a 35-year-old man in that way but that is the right word. Mark was like an extract from a painting. There were these penetrating dark blue eyes and the jet black hair that he held back like a Matador. He said his mum was from Serbia and his dad was from Spain but he looked more Middle Eastern except for the blue eyes. Impeccably dressed, you felt he was too good to be true. I was particularly fascinated by his nails. They were the most perfect nails with not a speck of dust. His fingers were very long and slender.
I am ashamed to say that this the moment I started getting a pang of jealousy. It seemed so unfair that Jean had landed this picture-perfect man and yet here I was consigned to a few unpromising relationships with increasingly pathetic men. I know that many of you will not believe me, but I never ever thought I would ever have an secret affair with Mark. He was just some unobtainable figure out there. I hated the jealousy that was creeping up in my hit and told myself to get a grip. This has always been a successful trick with me. Whenever I am doing something that is not right, I manage to bring myself back to reality through self-talks.
They Get Even More Serious
I knew that the only way to let go of this sinking feeling was to stay away. So, I chose to be rude and unfriendly to Mark. He seemed rather amused but Jean was mortified. She pulled me aside and asked me to be nice. I told her that I did not like Mark. She asked: “but why? He is perfect!” I wanted to tell her that it is precisely because he is so perfect that I did not like him. I was in danger of falling into a very dangerous sin and was using my faked hostility as a shield. Somehow Mark seemed to see through it all. I would catch him looking at me with interest, almost like a cat that was toying with the idea of catching a nearby mouse.
Mark did everything languidly. The prey would come to him begging to be gobbled up. I think that is what happened with Jean. She had actively pursued him. I was determined not to be another of his conquests. I really should have known about him really: every single man I had ever been attracted to had turned out to be either gay or at least bi. My gaydar was so strong that I could out celebrities, long before they decided to come clean. My instant attraction to Mark should have been my warning. In hindsight, I should have told my poor naïve sister…but again she might have said that I was only saying that because I wanted him for myself.
Jean told me breathlessly that he was the one and she was going to do everything in her power to get him to the altar. I told her to wait a bit longer and maybe date for a while but she was adamant. Mark was hers and she was not going to let him go. Meanwhile I was going through a personal trial of my own. Those dark thoughts that had first come to me when I first saw Mark in flesh were refusing to go away. I was fantasizing about my prospective brother-in-law. It was just too ridiculous. I decided to isolate myself from the family for a while and maybe I would get back to my normal self.
Our Secret Affair and My Hiatus
Off went the phones and emails went unanswered. My mum was worried and asked me whether it was because I disapproved of my sister’s choice. I eventually had to get back in touch and told them a lie that I was going through some emotional difficulties and wanted time to sort them out. I also told them that I was happy for my sister but my body language told another story. I knew I came across as being rude and even hateful to Mark but deep down I was hooked. The worst thing is that he seemed to know exactly what was going on and smiled whenever I did something really rude.
The spider laid its web and waited for the silly insect to come to it. I have to say that it was me who actually broke the ice. I just could no longer bear to be away from Mark so I walked up to him and apologized for my rudeness. He said it was no problem. I explained that I was having some problems and he told me that he understood. All the while I felt as if he was laughing at me. It was I that actually arranged to meet him. It was I that kissed him the first time. I was the instigator and take all the blame for it…but I cannot help feeling as if I had just walked into a trap.
When we finally got together it was pure magic. I have never felt anything close to this for anyone. Mark would only tell me that he liked me. I was just too intense and wanted him all the time. My sister was blissfully unaware as she immersed herself in the wedding preparations. I told her many times to call the things off but she refused and she wondered why I was so dead against Mark. I could not tell her what was happening. I wanted to pull out of the wedding but it would look bad after my sister asked me to give her away. It was like some overblown story from a cheap soap opera. I was giving away my sister to my lover in a Church. It was a miracle that I was not struck down with lightning at that very moment.
The Spider Shows His Face
I had pleaded with Mark to stop the wedding but he had refused saying that Jean would not cope with the disappointment because of our secret affair. Now that they have been married for two years, he says that he wants out and he wants to be with me. I have been holding it together in front of Jean but I dread what is going to happen when the whole story comes out. Not even my mum is going to forgive me for this. Mark says it is better to put a stop to it now than wait for later. In fact, he has said that he will tell Jean if I do not. Meanwhile Jean keeps telling me about how wonderful Mark is and how marrying him was her dream come true. Heaven help me when she discovers what I have become.