Probation Officer Warned Me About My Prison Lover, Life After Incarceration
Let us first get the first things out. I am a drug addict and have gotten into a whole load of problems because of my addiction. That is how I landed in prison the first place. I was so desperate for a fix that I stole a watch from the local store. It is pathetic to think that a watch which costs about $500 was exchanged for a fix that was barely worth $25. Stupidly (as always); I drugged myself into a stupor. The police found me underneath the tunnel and took me to prison.
Those first few hours are a daze to this day. I do not really know what I said or signed. The next day I was hauled before a judge. The proceedings were dazzling, troubling and hazy for me. I cannot really tell you what happened. I vaguely remember my lawyer telling me that they were offering me a deal which I should accept. I would go to a secure unit for a week and then be taken to a rehab center. My parents would be notified and they could come and see me. I had not even bothered to tell them where I was. Of course the reality is that I always kept drifting in and out of the house depending on how drugged up I was at the time.
I remember that they took me to this very Spartan place that smelled of a detergent. The detergent seemed to be everywhere, almost as if they wanted to wash our sins away. Anyway once the admission process was over (I was horrified that some man was looking at my bum to see whether I was carrying drugs); I was given a room. Over the next two days I was taken through an orientation. I cannot tell you that I remember much about it.
My Prison Lover, Silver Comes Into My Life
Now, I have always been open about the fact that I am gay. In my worst days, I actually acted as a gigolo for an old woman but that was just about the limit of my knowledge of the opposite sex. Silver was a thug. I have no other way of describing him. He was filled with tattoos from head to toe. As I later learnt, every single part of him had some ink…even his nether bits were marked. The thing that was extraordinary was the fact that Silver had the gentlest eyes and mouth you could ever see. The contrast was so startling that you might have been forgiven for thinking that you were talking to someone else. The voice matched the mouth and was silky but the body was saying something entirely different.
As I have gotten to know Silver a bit more, I have realized that he has adopted a persona. This was a person who had been beaten black and blue throughout his childhood. In order to protect himself, Silver had started fighting back. His criminal record was littered with incidents of fighting. He had been caught with guns, knives…every weapon that you can imagine. He sometimes used them and ended up in jail. Of his 25 years on earth, nearly 15 had been spent in one institution or the other. I was taken aback by the way in which Silver spoke. He spoke in the language of prison. He knew the ins and outs of prison.
Now Silver had a secret that he had kept to himself. He liked men but had had girlfriends all his life. When we really got talking he told me that his body reacted to any opportunity for sex but his heart was not in it. He said that it was only with me that he actually felt a connection. I was taken aback. There was no way I was going to date this thug? He looked like something out of a horror movie with all the tattoos. How was I ever going to take him home…then, I remember that I did not actually stay at home. I was drifting in and out.
My probation officer learnt that we were going out and she severely warned me about Silver. To her he was an irredeemably violent man and that I was just the kind of person to bring out the worst in him. She kept going on about how he might be a psychopath. Apparently such people enjoyed tormenting people like me who were perpetual victims. I was vulnerable because of my addiction so we might end up enabling one another.
I did listen to the probation officer and told Silver that this could not go on. Certainly, not on the outside. He was in his half-way house after a long stint in prison for GBH. They had given him a job in the garden but to me he seemed like the guard. The ink was just so intimidating that I doubt any of the residents would want to get past him.
The reaction from Silver literally broke my heart. He started crying and saying that he knew he was a bad person but was sure that I would make him better. The probation officer had warned me that he would do this in order to lure me into his schemes. If I knew what was good for me, I would immediately withdraw. Well, they say that the heart wants what the heart wants. I fell for Silver and the end game is that we are a couple.
My probation Officer Raises a Stink
Apparently this could be one of the worst decisions in my life. The probation officer says it could even jeopardize my early release. Quite shockingly (and a bit cheeky in my view); the officer thinks that Silver is only gay for the stay. Apparently these guys who go to prison have no other option but to find lovers so they grab the nearest man they can get their hands on. This stumped me a bit but I can assure you that Silver is definitely gay, or at the very least bi. We have been together for six months and I have never been in doubt that he is really into me.
It is tough getting off drugs but I am doing very well. My parents finally decided that it was time to bury the hatchet. My mum was particularly concerned about the risk of dying. She had been told that often people who are withdrawing from drugs end up with depression. She was also worried about HIV, although I have never shot. In any case I am a stickler for protected sex, Silver or no Silver. We are then in limbo. My parents think that Silver is the least of my worries because they say that it is the drugs that took away their son, not him. My probation officer thinks he is the worst thing that could have happened to me.
I am also fed up with being judged for having a relationship in prison. Yes, me and my prison lover met in the wrong place but at the right time. I was coming through a very hard time and he was just about to get released. I like to flatter myself into believing that I have actually changed Silver. Since we have been together, there has never been another fight. My probation officer had talked about possible violence but Silver is the gentlest person I know. Even when I am in one of my moods, he is always trying to calm me down.
The tattoos do give us some stairs from time to time. Now that he has stopped cutting his hair too short, the blond curls are coming out. The best way to describe Silver at the moment is a Norwegian Viking, very tall and very blond with a menacing stare. The eyes are kind but if he is thinking about something, they can be quite penetrating. My sister actually laughed that he was such a sissy boy after all the height. She said that it was a waste that such a hunk of a man was into wimpy guys like me. I know Debs means no harm. We have always been at each other’s throats, but not in a bad way.
We are Making the Best of It
I still think that it is possible to find love in and outside prison. They say we are the worst of the worst in society so it makes sense to actually go out with one of our kind. At least I do not have to worry about my boyfriend doing Google checks on me to see whether I have been a naughty boy. He knows my rap sheet and I know his. We are not intent on becoming career criminals, so that must be a good thing. I hate it when everyone assumes that we are bad for one another just because of the way we look or the way we met. Anyway, tough luck. We are going to make the best of it.