Old gay, is it too late to come out? One of the more pathetic signs in a nightclub is that of an ageing “queen” enthusiastically dancing, getting lots of friendly banter but no offers to go home. They really are nice people but the time for the sexual game is coming to the end. I once used to look at them and feel embarrassed but now I am in the same boat. I cannot wear tights and leather…it is just not me but I come out to the nightclub. To say that I am a very late comer to this game is the understatement of the century. I literally had my kids, brought them up and even popped out a few grandkids before I finally came to terms with the fact that I was and old gay.
I know some of you may be rolling your eyes this very moment but it was a conscious decision. Once I realized that I was an old gay (around 14 but in reality it was about 9 when I knew I was a bit queer); I decided that I was going to fight this thing. It was not going to eat me up. I had seen how those queer boys were treated and my parents had refused to even speak about the matter, calling it the “vilest of crimes”. I knew that I was strong enough to fight it. The first thing that I had to do was to completely stop thinking about sex. Many people cannot believe it, but I was a virgin until 29. I had never touched another person sexually, male or female. I did not read or watch porn and did not go out on dates.
My parents approved of my apparent studiousness. I was going to be an accountant and got all the papers needed. I then started working for the local council, rising up the ranks to the manager. At 27, I met Gwen. She was an accounts clerk just coming to the team from college. At 19, she was barely the right age. We started dating (on my insistence). At first she was reluctant saying that I was too old. I said that it was just eight years, if that, between us. I offered to wait until she was 21 and I was 29. She did not seem convinced but I was determined. It would be ridiculous to say that I was in love with Gwen because I was not.
But I must say that I loved her more than anyone in the world. She never really excited me terribly and the sex was almost a duty for me but I loved her. This is a girl who had made my life so complete. She knew everything about me apart from the fact that I was secretly an old gay. Gwen was the best wife you could ask for. She was unassuming, thoughtful and always supportive. Many, many times I wanted to quite but she would encourage me. Gwen so me at my most vulnerable moments and has been my mainstay. We had five incredible children and a wonderful life together. There was nothing really dramatic about it. I was doing my work and supporting my family. We were very happy (at least on the non-sexual side). Gwen never complained and I made sure that we had sex three times a week. I knew about positions and so varied them so that she did not get bored.
Death and Change Come to Me
I hate the year 2012 with a vengeance. It was the year that nearly destroyed my life. I tried to commit suicide but pathetically failed. It was the year I lost my darling Gwen. Cancer had slowly sucked the life out of her and I was completely helpless to do anything about it. By that time; we had 8 grandchildren together. A woman with whom I had shared almost everything, who had never quarreled with me, my best friend, my companion…was no more. Instead we had to cremate her in that cold, cold place. I asked for the ashes to have something to remind me of happier times. I also felt that Gwen deserved to be remembered for as long as I was alive.
I was grieving for the best part of 5 years. Our children tried to comfort me but they had their own families. At night I could not sleep well, dreaming about Gwen with vivid recollections of our lives together. I was in this state of continuous grief when the temptation came to me. I call it a temptation because for a very long time I had had such good control over myself that I was certain those impulses had been put to rest. The machine had never been used in that way and the thoughts had been blocked out after years of practice. My body was as lean as it used to be in my forties precisely because I used jogging as a wonderful release.
Gabriel is a temptation with his angelic face and incredibly blue eyes. He is such a delicate man that you almost feel like protecting him from the elements. I am the pensioner and his senior by nearly 35 years but when I am with him, it is just like he is the delicate one. Sadly; Gabriel is also a heroin addict. He has stolen from me and threatened me countless times but I still will not kick him out. I know he is a good person when not high or waiting to get high. In between we have a nice relationship. He taught me to let go of my deepest fears. We have this watertight system that ensures he is out of the house whenever my kids and grandkids are due to come. Once they saw a shirt and I told them that I got it by mistake from the cleaners. Since then we are even more careful.
Old Gay, A New and Uncertain Life
I have always wanted certainty with my life but Gabriel insists that I must “lighten up a little”. By lightening up he means that I go to nightclubs and have fun days at the beach. Apparently he thinks I have an “amazing body for an old gay”. When I asked him why he was with me, Gabriel said that he had always liked old dudes and that I looked after him very well. It was such an honest but somewhat disappointing answer. Anyway I have put him through many, many tests and he has so far only failed the ones that relate to not stealing my money when he needs a fix. Occasionally he threatens that he will come in one day when my kids are around and give me a big kiss on the mouth just to see what they say.
Thinking about such a possibility makes me break out in cold sweats at night. I don’t think I could look my kids in the eyes if they knew I was dating a man who was younger than them. I feel that sometimes I am betraying my Gwen. We have talked about it with Gabriel and his answer was that she was “dead anyway so there is no need to pine for her”. Getting to clubs was very embarrassing. I had never been and felt awkward. Gabriel wanted me to try his stuff but I said no. He likes dancing with me but I completely feel at odds. His friends have said nothing but I imagine they think it is odd for this young kid to be dating someone as old as me.
My fear is that one day Gabriel will disappear from my life as he came into it. We met when I was taking a rest during my jogs and he was on the park bench he had slept on because he had been kicked out of his hovel for non-payment of rent. Since then he has brought a new light into my life. Gabriel is far from perfect but I am not sure I could cope without him. We are now living as a clandestine couple. I am sure the neighbors will start gossiping but since I had moved house some time back, I know that they will not get a chance to tell my kids anything. This in summary is my dilemma. I want to be with Gabriel but I am so worried that he is going to leave me.
Sometimes I toy with the option of a pre-emptive break up. I think that it might be easier on my heart if I let him go before he lets me go. Then he comes home in that cheerful mood of his and begins to make me so happy that I lose my resolve. Gabriel told me “don’t worry. I won’t run away…unless you start getting weird on me”. I don’t really know what he means by “weird” but certainly I am hopeful that he will not leave me any time soon. Otherwise I will become another sad old gay, looking for a dance in the wrong place at the wrong time.