A Very Uncomfortable Unrequited Love – It has now sadly come to this…I have to keep praying that I can start loving my wife the way that she deserves to be loved. In a way I feel guilty for leading her own. My closer was so well covered that it would take an FBI investigative team to uncover even a fraction of my secret sexual desires. We were married for seven fairly good years until she caught me. Normally I am very careful with wiping out my browsing history. I figured that what she did not know could not hurt her. I had actually never had sex with any of the men I chatted with online but I did have secret youthful experiences. My thinking was that if I was not actually doing the deed then I was not really cheating on my wife. Of course, I know that that is an excuse. Once the mind wanders, cheating begins.
We did not have children (I am actually thankful for that). That means that our current separation does not have as many legal obstacles as I once thought. She could accuse me of adultery or even homosexuality. I have been informed by our priest (I am a Catholic) that they can even annul the marriage if I agree that I entered it based on false pretenses. I feel guilty about everything, I told Eva that she could have the house and everything. I had a good job as an architect and could start all over again. Being 32 meant that I did not have to worry about middle age coming before I had rebuilt my life. Besides I also wanted to start actually doing proper dates rather than sending naughty messages and pics on the internet.
My Wife Wants to Try Again
When she saw my browsing history, Eva insisted that I could get help for my “habit”. I told her that I had had that habit since I was a kid and the chances were that I would continue being attracted to men. My distinct lack of interest in sex should have been a great indicator for her. Not many people can say that their husband sleeps with them every three weeks. I did try my best to please her and that meant that by the time we did it, I was like a well-oiled machine. My method involved gentle foreplay before the fast and hard pump and grind. It worked every time and Eva seemed to be happy with my show. I just thought it a bit strange that she would not think something was wrong when I did not touch her again for another twenty days or say. Many of our friends said that they did it about three times a week.
Anyway on a personal relationship level, we were very close. We liked doing the same things and hardly quarreled. Eva liked the fact that I always deferred to her on all the important decisions. She had free reign in the house. In return she always tried to ensure that I had my space. There were no desperate calls about why I was late for work or demands for sex. I was actually the one that initiated it. Looking back on our married life, it sounds like something from a Victorian fantasy novel. Here was this gorgeous woman who was not getting it from her husband. I bet the people at work would have called me a damned fool if they realized that I was having sex with my sexy wife for less than twenty times each year. Eva never complained or asked questions.
Even when the baby did not come, she did not complain. I suggested that we go for a test to see whether my little babies were strong enough. The results came back showing that we were all fine. I hate to boast (but I actually have pretty strong sperm; if my doctor is to be believed). We kept trying and even shifted the patterns but nothing happened. There was a month were I really went to town, wanting to ensure that at least she would conceive but nothing happened. Eva says we should continue trying because a baby will bring us together. I think that is just nuts (pun unintended). I am a gay man…not bisexual (although Eva keeps holding out for that faint hope that I swing both ways).
Our Differing Postmortems on the Marriage
Eva insists that it was a happy marriage, happier than many that her friends had to endure. According to her, I was the only man that ever made her happy. I pointed out the fact that I had been emotionally distant and that we rarely had sex. She said that she did not mind because when we had it, “it was magical”. I am somehow unable to convince Eva that it is all done and that I was really pretending to be in love with her throughout the marriage. She says that she knows I love her because I have shown her in so many different ways that I care about her. The latter point I agree with. Evan is very important to me but she does not rev up my engine. I do not get that spark of desire that makes me want to become part of her body.
That side of me definitely belongs to men. I have not yet settled on any particular one although there is someone in the neighborhood that has indicated they might want to take the relationship further. I am not willing to cheat on Eva so I thought we might first get the divorce papers out of the way before I began dating outside. She refuses to budge and says that I am her man before God and the eyes of man. She keeps reminding me of all the happy times together and how much happier we could be together, particularly if God blessed us with a child. I am now stuck between two walls. On one hand I desperately want to explore my sexuality but on the other I do not want to send Eva off the rails.
A counselor told me that Eva was using emotional ties in order to keep me within her orbit. Apparently she is a wounded soul because her man has decided to run off with other men. She feels as if it is her fault in some way or a rejection of some sort. Another counselor suggested that I had been such a good actor in the marriage that Eva was finding it hard to believe that I did not really love her. She thinks that I may be using this as an excuse to get away with her. I have been warned not to sleep with Eva because she might have stopped using the pill. However, she keeps coming to my room and says that we are still man and wife.
Recently a very strange thing is happening. We are actually having sex. I start off not wanting anything to do with it but Eva is so bold that I just end up going along with it. The experience leaves me feeling used and abused. I also feel guilty that the body is going through a mechanical process whilst the emotions remain untouched. I do not know what to do. We have gone through multiple counselling sessions and our priest has even said he would help us get an annulment but Eva will not consider such an option.
Feel Guilty, The Burning Desire to be Free
I want to be able to have a relationship with someone that I am totally crazy about. I no longer want to feel obliged to sleep with my spouse in order to keep up with an artificial timetable. I want to enjoy sex and to get off those pathetic websites where we share naughty pics. It is a very poor compensation for the real deal. I know I have been unfair to Eva but I think we are young enough to start new lives. I will support her in any way that I can, including giving up the house for her. However, I no longer want to remain married to her. I want us to divorce amicably and explore new lives.
The people that give us advice seem confused by it all. Some cannot understand why I am throwing away such a beautiful woman for an internet fantasy. Others say that it might be an excuse on my part to get out of a relationship that is stale. Then you have the nosy ones that are looking to find out whether I am truly gay since I have shown that I am capable of performing in front of a woman. It is all getting a bit exhausting and too personal. I want my life back and hope that Evan can have hers too. I feel guilty about it but I never thought I would be so determined to get out of this relationship.