Would you forgive, accept or betray your gay husband?
Exchanging vows at the altar with the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with is one of the happiest moment every woman dreams of. I am Courtney and I was 24 years old when I married my husband, Matthew.
He is a naturally-sweet, caring and dedicated husband. We met in college where we took the same course back then at Austin University. We were also both members of a Community Theater Group. We dated for a while and he courted me for over a year. I found his sincerity very irresistible so I said yes to him. Few months after our graduation we decided to tie the knot.
We moved to New York during the second-trimester of my first born because he got an offer from a legal firm in Manhattan. We rented an apartment downtown just across his office building. As a newlywed, we both had a hard time during the early stage of our married life. Yes, we knew that our love was rock-solid but there were some things that we still couldn’t seem to agree on – even the pettiest things, like what color should we paint on the wall for our baby’s room and the likes. But we never had a big fight, there was never a time that we let the day pass without mending our emotions – and that’s what made Matthew a perfect husband, or so I thought.
The Betrayal and the End of My Forever
It was the night before Thanksgiving when my husband called me on my cellphone and said that his flight was cancelled. He said that he couldn’t make it to our traditional Thanksgiving family dinner because his boss asked him to secure a deposition of his new case. Matthew was on a last-minute business trip in Nebraska taking on a big case – I was so happy for all the success of his firm but also a little sad that he couldn’t make it to our family dinner.
Matthew arrived home after 2 days, I was expecting that he will be very tired from his trip but instead he was surprisingly full of energy. During dinner, I noticed something off about him but I couldn’t put a finger on what it was. He was physically present but his mind was wandering somewhere else. He was unusually quiet since he arrived and he kept looking at his phone the whole time. After I tucked my baby into bed I took a quick shower. My husband was away for 2 weeks so I planned on giving him a naughty surprise.
After taking a shower, I saw him lying on the bed giggling while talking to somebody on his cellphone. When he finally noticed me, he ended the call right away and asked me how long was I standing there, then he got off the bed and rushed to the shower. I didn’t know how to react and I tried to just ignore it.
He left his phone on the table unlocked. And I was getting dressed when the phone rang; I picked up the phone and answered the call. I didn’t get the chance to introduce myself because the caller, who sounded like he’s in his early 30’s, said something I would never forget. He said, “What happened? Did I say something that upset you? Why did you disconnect the call, baby? Hello, baby? Are you there? Hello? Matthew?” I was trembling after hearing these words; my whole body was shaking uncontrollably and my tears were starting to run though my cheeks. I was beyond shocked and I could hardly breathe.
I was so ready to confront him in the shower but I wanted to get more evidence. So I went through his messages and browsed his gallery for proof. I found nothing in his Inbox but I couldn’t believe what I saw in his gallery. I saw pictures of Matthew half-naked, kissing another guy – his boss. I was so terrified, I wanted to scream but nothing was coming out from my mouth. And my knees were too weak that I couldn’t even stand still.
Then Matthew got out from the shower and saw me crying so hard at the corner. I saw his very confused face trying to wrap his head around the situation. But before he could say a word, I immediately asked him the question that could mean an end to our marriage.
“Are you gay?”
He didn’t answer my question and instead asked me about what’s going on. He held my hands and tried to help me get on my knees but I pushed him away.
“Do not touch me. Answer my question dammit. Are you gay?” I asked him again with a wobbly voice.
Then there was silence. He sat on the bed and blurted the words I wished were not true.
“Yes, I am”.
And that night marked the end of my happy ever after.
Forgiving the Unforgivable and the Road to Acceptance
It’s been over a year since I left home after learning about Matthew’s sexuality. I couldn’t bear the feeling to live under the same roof with the person who used and lied to me for so many years, so I had no choice but to leave. I crashed in my sister’s house in Texas with my baby girl while Matthew rented out our apartment in Manhattan and decided to go back in his parent’s house in California.
I also decided to shut down all forms of communication from my gay husband. I was so devastated with everything that happened to us. It felt like heaven had forsaken me. I felt abandoned and betrayed. There were nights that I couldn’t sleep, and there were even times that I cursed the day I met him. And I promised myself that I would never forgive what my gay husband did to me. However, for over a year of being consumed by my anger, I had forgotten about the things that truly matter in my life. I was so focused on my hatred towards Matthew that I had forgotten that I am also a mother to my daughter and slowly I was already slipping away.
Yes I was hurt, but what kind of story would I tell my daughter when she grows up. What life lesson should I teach her – would it be about hatred or love? So I asked myself, was it really possible to forgive the unforgivable?
I realized that if you love yourself and you care about the people who matter to you, the answer should be yes. Yes it is possible, but the road to do it would be very hard. And that was the road I chose to take, not for Matthew but for my daughter and myself. I wanted to have freedom. It was enough that he hurt me so badly; I couldn’t let him take over my emotions and live my life with full of hatred. I couldn’t let the hatred consume me forever; after all I deserved to be happy.
So I called up Matthew on his cellphone. It felt very strange to hear his voice once again. He was crying like a baby and my heart was also racing. He was begging me to come back but I did what I needed to do. I told him that we were not getting back together and that he was free to do anything he wanted. I told my gay husband that I was emotionally crashed but our daughter gave me strength to move on. And I thanked my gay husband for the years we’ve spent together. I took a deep breath and said my final words; I told him that he’s already forgiven. After saying it, my tears started flowing like a river. But strangely, I didn’t feel any pain, it was then I knew I was finally free.
Right now, I am divorced but I am happy beyond words. Indeed, forgiving is one of the greatest gift you could give to someone and to yourself.