Confessions God-fearing Gay:
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”
— Psalm 139:14
It was around 3 o’clock in the morning when my phone alarm went off like crazy. The sound was so loud that even if I tried covering my ears with 2 pillows, it had no effect at all. I didn’t have a choice but to turn it off. My head was literally spinning when I reached out for my phone. I could barely move a muscle. And it felt like there were 2 elephants sitting in my head.
One of my cousins got married last night and we all stayed out very late. It has been ages since the six of us had a long chit chat so we talked all night. I was so tired from last night that I even forgot to change my clothes. And as I was looking for my clothes in the closet, I stepped on a small box on the floor. The box looked familiar but I couldn’t seem to tell what was inside. So I picked it up and to my surprise, it was my first bible I’ve kept all these years. As I was holding it, old memories suddenly flashed back.
Straddling Down Memory Lane
I’m Adrian, 45 and I grew up in a very religious family. My parents are devout Catholics, which has been the case since the time my great forefathers migrated from Columbia to the United States. My parents raised us with the teachings of the Bible and instilled in us to always do good and avoid evil. But at an early age, I already knew there was something off about me. As a kid I preferred playing with girls, I never liked horsing around with boys and I even envied the doll collection of my girl friends.
I knew back then that I was special but I couldn’t really tell what I was. In my family, the word ‘gay’ was a taboo. So I grew up with my feelings being thrown into the toilet. I couldn’t express myself freely. I had to pretend to be somebody I was not. There were even times that I would secretly stash Barbie dolls under my bed and play with it when I was all by myself. Yes, for many times my moral conscience would remind me that it wasn’t right and it even felt like I had offended God but I kept telling myself that the Lord loved me for who I am and that He would accept me no matter what. And I knew God made no mistake in creating me. So, with that little faith, it became a secret both God and I only knew about.
But when I was a teenager the guilt grew stronger on me. I felt like I displeased God with my actions. So I tried my best to pour my heart and soul into prayers, fasting, confession, etc. And in an effort to please Him and to get away from my guilt, I joined the seminary and became a priest. It was a decision I made to get closer to God.
Priesthood and the Path to a New Life
While at the seminary, I eventually realized that priesthood was really my calling. I became closer to God more than ever. And the guilt I’ve been feeling for the longest time started to fade away. Over the next few months, I got acquainted with many aspiring priests from different works of life, including Joseph. I had an instant connection with him because aside from the fact that we both love the Rockets we also had the same reason why we entered the seminary. I was beyond happy when I learned about his reasons. It felt very reassuring to know that all this time, I was never alone.
I completed the seminary and became a priest. After years of internal conflict around my sexuality and passion, to follow in Christ ways, I have accepted the fact that I was born gay and this is the way God made me. For the past years, I’ve heard confessions from many gay people who constantly fight internal battles with their sexuality and the stance of the church that being gay is immoral, although that stance is beginning to soften. Every now and then, people come to me for confession and counsel. I always tell them God loves all of his creation. It is never a crime to be who you are and no one has the right to judge us.
Knowing God’s Love Set Me Free
After countless times of deep thinking and contemplations, I’ve decided to stay where I belong. There have been many instances wherein I tried to convince myself that I should leave priesthood because I thought God doesn’t want me to be here. But I was dead wrong about it. The more I got closer to God the more I know He loved me unconditionally. I am convinced that there’s nothing in this world that could separate me from His Divine love and grace. Indeed, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God.