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Confessions of a God-Fearing Gay: The Struggle and Priesthood

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Confessions God-fearing Gay:

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

— Psalm 139:14

Confessions God-fearing Gay

Confessions God-fearing Gay

It was around 3 o’clock in the morning when my phone alarm went off like crazy. The sound was so loud that even if I tried covering my ears with 2 pillows, it had no effect at all. I didn’t have a choice but to turn it off. My head was literally spinning when I reached out for my phone. I could barely move a muscle. And it felt like there were 2 elephants sitting in my head.

One of my cousins got married last night and we all stayed out very late. It has been ages since the six of us had a long chit chat so we talked all night. I was so tired from last night that I even forgot to change my clothes. And as I was looking for my clothes in the closet, I stepped on a small box on the floor. The box looked familiar but I couldn’t seem to tell what was inside. So I picked it up and to my surprise, it was my first bible I’ve kept all these years. As I was holding it, old memories suddenly flashed back.

Straddling Down Memory Lane

I’m Adrian, 45 and I grew up in a very religious family. My parents are devout Catholics, which has been the case since the time my great forefathers migrated from Columbia to the United States. My parents raised us with the teachings of the Bible and instilled in us to always do good and avoid evil. But at an early age, I already knew there was something off about me. As a kid I preferred playing with girls, I never liked horsing around with boys and I even envied the doll collection of my girl friends.

I knew back then that I was special but I couldn’t really tell what I was. In my family, the word ‘gay’ was a taboo. So I grew up with my feelings being thrown into the toilet. I couldn’t express myself freely. I had to pretend to be somebody I was not. There were even times that I would secretly stash Barbie dolls under my bed and play with it when I was all by myself. Yes, for many times my moral conscience would remind me that it wasn’t right and it even felt like I had offended God but I kept telling myself that the Lord loved me for who I am and that He would accept me no matter what. And I knew God made no mistake in creating me. So, with that little faith, it became a secret both God and I only knew about.

But when I was a teenager the guilt grew stronger on me. I felt like I displeased God with my actions. So I tried my best to pour my heart and soul into prayers, fasting, confession, etc. And in an effort to please Him and to get away from my guilt, I joined the seminary and became a priest. It was a decision I made to get closer to God.

Confessions God-fearing Gay

Confessions God-fearing Gay

Priesthood and the Path to a New Life

While at the seminary, I eventually realized that priesthood was really my calling. I became closer to God more than ever. And the guilt I’ve been feeling for the longest time started to fade away. Over the next few months, I got acquainted with many aspiring priests from different works of life, including Joseph. I had an instant connection with him because aside from the fact that we both love the Rockets we also had the same reason why we entered the seminary. I was beyond happy when I learned about his reasons. It felt very reassuring to know that all this time, I was never alone.

Confessions God-fearing Gay

I completed the seminary and became a priest. After years of internal conflict around my sexuality and passion, to follow in Christ ways, I have accepted the fact that I was born gay and this is the way God made me. For the past years, I’ve heard confessions from many gay people who constantly fight internal battles with their sexuality and the stance of the church that being gay is immoral, although that stance is beginning to soften. Every now and then, people come to me for confession and counsel. I always tell them God loves all of his creation. It is never a crime to be who you are and no one has the right to judge us.

Knowing God’s Love Set Me Free

Confessions God-fearing Gay

Confessions God-fearing Gay

After countless times of deep thinking and contemplations, I’ve decided to stay where I belong. There have been many instances wherein I tried to convince myself that I should leave priesthood because I thought God doesn’t want me to be here. But I was dead wrong about it. The more I got closer to God the more I know He loved me unconditionally. I am convinced that there’s nothing in this world that could separate me from His Divine love and grace. Indeed, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

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  • Celestina

    I love the story. It’s good to know that you are brave enough to continue serving the Lord despite of your struggles.

    • LoveisaRainbow

      Thanks for the comment Celestina. As a christian, I have to believe that God’s creatures are without flaws and that includes me as a gay person.

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  • helpmepleas

    I lost touch with religion over the course of my life, largely because I couldn’t combine what I believed, that lgbt+ people can’t choose who they are, with the church, who tells us we’re born sick and I need to stop sinning or I’m going to hell. My parent found out about my sexuality, and her reaction completely turned me off to God. After that, I can’t even imagine him being real when I try. I hate thinking that though, because I know how I feel isn’t a culmination of personal investigation and conclusions but a knee-jerk reaction to how my parent reacted and the imprint it left on me. What you wrote has resonated with me for the first time in a long time of believing God didn’t exist, so thank you. I can’t help that I feel attraction to attraction to both genders. Being bi has invalidated me even more in the eyes of my parent and others because it seems like I’m straight or gay but choose to float in the middle. I don’t know your stance on bisexuality, but I feel a bit more free after bottling up so much resentment. It only takes a little, I guess.

  • God is with us all. As I know of I get told by my family that God will always love you no matter what. All you have to do is just talk to him. When I get older I want to be priest because I wanna show that your loved no matter if you are gay, bisexual, lesbian, etc. I wanna show that you are not alone. He’s watching over you. Bless all who have struggled for being different and being who they want to be. I love you all. Hugs and kisses.

  • Some have trouble understanding that the bible said he loves all and not to judge. The bible could be read several ways on how you interpret the meaning because it is so old. Everyone should just live with that concept and continue their religion.

  • Though I am straight, I have a umber of LGBT friends, which is how I came across this article, and as a Christian myself, I find this very moving and touching. There are times when I have a hard time reconciling what I ‘knew’ as absolute truth growing up in the church, with what I see in my friends. It is a difficult thing overcoming the ideas set in place from an early age, but I see in my friends, be they gay, or transgender, not the wrongness that I was first taught, but simple humanity, no different than my own. Even nature seems to agree that it is not abhorrent, and well, if sin is a purely human concern, then it really can not be sin, now can it? I hope that you find your time as a priest both fulfilling spiritually, and a solid point to reach out and help others who are lost and confused about who they are, and their own place in God’s amazing creation.

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